Choose Joy

I've gone back and read my posts for this year, and it's very depressing. I was driving back from the gym this morning (yeah me!) and was thinking about my crop tomorrow. I get to see my sister, and some friends who I haven't seen in several months. And that made me happy. So it got me thinking about CM and how it lets me do something I really enjoy with some really good friends. And that got me thinking to Showcase in two weeks! It's the 25th anniversary, which is very cool. But I don't want to get too excited. In my perfect world, they would invite Cheryl Lightle and Susan Ida-Pederson back for it, which I would totally love. So I just checked her facebook page, and Susan is coming! Anyway, several years ago she made a speech on choosing Joy. And I realized that I'm not doing that. I'm choosing everything else but that. And it's wearing me down. So I have to start doing that now. Life is too short to be stressed or depressed, or any of those emotions. I have to learn how to get rid of them and just choose joy.

Realization

So I had a session with a coach last week, and there were some interesting things that I learned about myself. My heart is saying that I need to leave DHG. I just don't agree with how they are doing a lot of things. For instance, they finally told Terry when his last day was via e-mail from the office manager. He didn't even warrant a personal meeting. This is a partner who was with SLA for 38 years. How unhuman is that?? I am holding in a lot of anger and grief from the whole merger, which I knew, but didn't realize how much. And I'm feeling guilty for wanting to leave. Not for DHG, but for my clients. I feel that they need me, and if I leave, I will be leaving them in the lurch. But that's just what'll happen when I move on, which I know I need to do. And Lisa is driving me crazy. It's all about her. She doesn't want to hear anything about me or what I'm doing. Saturday morning she called me. I had posted on FB that I was at a hotel scrapbooking. She was upset that I might be at a scrapbooking retreat and didn't mention it to her or invite her to come. This is why I don't want her going to all of the retreats that I go do - I need some time away from her with retreats. She can be very high maintenance when scrapbooking, and I don't want that. Then this morning, I e-mailed her asking her to call me this afternoon as I needed to pick her brain. She called me this morning, so I said I would call her back, since Shelly was still here. So I called her about 45-60 minutes later and it went to her voice mail. She never called me back. I finally called her back about 8 hours later, and all I wanted was help with wording for one sentence. I didn't want her opinion, I just wanted help, and she just didn't want to give it. So I finally just got off the phone with her so I could finish up the HR review (which is done). I understand what she was questioning, but she always just questions what I'm doing, almost as if I'm lying. And that's not the case. We've worked in different settings, and she doesn't realize that our work functions will differ. So when I say I just want help with one thing, just give me that. I don't ask her for much because I never get it, and this just reinforces it even more. I need to start studying again for the SPHR exam, which I know I'll get nothing from her on. She offered to pay for some of the study material, but I'll never see that. So that's annoying. I won't do that again. 2 more weeks until I'm on vacation. This will be a busy week on a social level - dinner with Debbie on Monday, baseball game on Tuesday, lunch with Tony M on Wednesday, lunch with Paul on Thursday, and the Squeeze concer that night, then lunch with Brenda on Friday. And in there, I still need to get my workouts in!

And it Keeps Getting Worse

Boy, DHG really is sinking, or so it seems. They fired 6 people on Thursday, and I think all of them were in tax. I can't believe it. That's 14 people in the past few months who have been let go. Not a good start to the new year. But then they'll talk about how we're having a great year. How can we be having a great year if we are firing people left and right? But I picked up a new client, at a huge discount, right down the street from me. So I'll be working there 2-3 days/week. Yippee. And I'm hoping to go more hours with Deque. Actually, I'm hoping that Deque does the math and realizes that it's better for them to hire me, and that I could do much more for them as a FTE. That would be so much nicer. I finally heard from Germane Systems - they hired someone with more government experience. And I'm okay with that - I would have had to give up too much for the job, so this way, I'm still doing okay. If I can stay out of the office and be at client sites for most of the time, that's a good thing. Lawrence came over last night for about an hour or so. It was nice, but also hard. I only see him when his wife is out of town, which I can understand. But it's hard being with him and not being with him. He's going through some family stuff, and I can't do anything about it. I can just listen. Nothing happened with us last night, which was good. Still trying to lose this weight, but not doing very well with it. I have to start logging in my food again. It's the only way I can do it. I've been working out about 4 days a week, need to get that to 7, with doing stuff at home (kettle bells and stuff). If I could lose some of this weight, then I could run better, which would be nice.

Second Half of the Year

It's now July, and this year is half over. It's been a bitch of a year, and so far, it's not really getting much better. I'm in such a funk and I have no clue how to pull myself out of this mood. I really don't. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I have no desire to do anything. I spend all of my time sitting on the couch, watching TV and playing games on the computer. Yesterday I had to force myself to do some scrapbooking. I'm not normally like that. I'm not hearing my alarm go off - either my regular alarm or my cell phone - and that bothers me. And I'm having some health problems. My knees are very sore all the time. It's probably because I'm so stinking fat. If I can lose the weight, it'll be easier to run and work out. But I don't do anything about that. My running has gotten worse, I'm so much slower than I want to be. The race today - 42:30. My worst time ever! My mileage pace was 13:43. I want to get to a 10-minute mile - not happening anytime soon. The really sad thing - I read through all of my posts this year. They are all depressing. Nothing good in any of them. I know something has to give, but what? I don't want to go on any more meds - I'm on enough of them. But I can't do this much longer. I can't remember the last time I was happy that didn't involve Disney. How pathetic is that?

Depression X 2

And I keep sinking lower and lower. I don't see myself getting out of this depression. At all. It seems like I take 1/2 step forward and about 20 steps back. I failed my SPHR exam, for the 5th time. Lisa passed her exam for the 2nd time. And this time, she didn't really even study. How unfair is that? I'm at such an impasse right now. I don't feel qualified to do my job, and I'm not good at anything. So what do I do? Apparently SHRM doesn't feel like I can do HR either since I can't pass an exam. I feel like such a stupid idiot. All I want to do is curl up and cry. I have no desire to talk to anyone or see anyone, especially Lisa. And it doesn't help that we're off on vacation on Sunday. I have no desire to go right now. I have no desire, period. I'm a flat, stupid slob. And now my job will be in jeopardy. I won't get a bonus or an increase, and I'll be out of a job probably sooner rather than later. There are no companies that want me. Basically I'm a loser. How great is that?

Depression

I feel like I'm in such a depression cloud and I don't know how to get out of it. It's been such a strange few years for me, and I feel like I'm sinking further and further. I know I need to change jobs, and that will help. That's been such a life sucker for me. What's hard to believe is that the partners don't see it but everyone else from SLA does. Why is that? Why do they refuse to see the writing on the wall? They can't change anything, but at least they could acknowledge that there is something going on. The firing of Christa seems to be the last straw. Why her? Why not the other office manager? What were their reasons? I can't see it. And I've been in such a blah mood for months now. How can I get out of it? I don't even know anymore. I have no desire to do anything but watch TV. And there's nothing on, but still, that's all I want to do. How pathetic is that? I blew off a party today - but I did have to study (which I did) and do some errands (which I also did). But I have no desire to work out, which I need to do. I've got the triathalon coming up, which I'm not prepared for, and the Wine & Dine half, which right now, I wouldn't be able to do at all. I have to get back into shape. I'm so disgustingly fat that it's really sad. And that's part of my mood issues as well. I have to make some changes. I want to make a dream page so that I can keep my life in order and have something to shoot for. 1. Pay off Capital One 2. Pay off Disney Visa 3. Pay off NWFCU Credit Card 4. Pay off Citicard 5. Pay off Vacation Club 6. Get down to 170 7. Get down to 160 8. Get down to 150 9. Get down to 140 10. Get down to 130 11. Get down to 120 12. Finish swim in 13 minutes 13. Finish bike in 45 minutes 14. Finish 5k in 35 minutes 15. Finish 1/2 in 2:50 I need to keep adding to this, and to keep working on it. Today Bonnie told me she's going with Joyce to visit Beth. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know she's going because Joyce asked her, same as her coming here because we asked her. I guess I wish she was coming here first. Sometimes I feel like we take second place. Or I take second place. I understand Beth wanting visitors. She's going through a lot right now. I wish she would reach out - we might be able to help her.

Changes and Other Stuff

So I have an interview with one of SLA's former clients. It sounds like a great possibility, and it's much closer to home. I like the owner of the company, based on our conversations, so that's also a plus. The negative - the salary is lower than I make. But I can take a slight reduction if other things are in place. As long as I don't go down in vacation - that is too important to me. So if there is some flexibility, it could be the next move. Things at work are okay - I'm going to be doing more project management and recruiting and less HR, which I don't like. I'm still working on the Atlanta project from hell. One day it will be over. I hope to have my stuff done on Monday, and hopefully that will be the last of it. I still haven't heard anything from TG about her call, which is just wrong. She is not being forthfull with her information. But I have to give her and GR all of my information. Whatever. I'm so done with this. I'm reallly looking foward to Disney, and just getting away from it all. That's going to be my turning point. I will be starting a new training program for the mini-tri. I might be signing up for another 1/2 (not at Disney, but in Hampton). Potential new job. I'm trying to find new people to work out with. I have to make it more of a priority and do something every day. And my eating. That is stopping - all the junk. It's disguisting. Totally disguisting. I need to be eating more healthy stuff and less fat/bad stuff. I know I can do it. My goal is to be at 170 by the cruise, then down to 155 by the mini-tri. Then 140 by the Wine & Dine. I can do it. I HAVE to map out my plan on how to do this. Then I can wear all of the cute clothes that I have. Why isn't that more of an incentive for me?