Choose Joy

I've gone back and read my posts for this year, and it's very depressing. I was driving back from the gym this morning (yeah me!) and was thinking about my crop tomorrow. I get to see my sister, and some friends who I haven't seen in several months. And that made me happy. So it got me thinking about CM and how it lets me do something I really enjoy with some really good friends. And that got me thinking to Showcase in two weeks! It's the 25th anniversary, which is very cool. But I don't want to get too excited. In my perfect world, they would invite Cheryl Lightle and Susan Ida-Pederson back for it, which I would totally love. So I just checked her facebook page, and Susan is coming! Anyway, several years ago she made a speech on choosing Joy. And I realized that I'm not doing that. I'm choosing everything else but that. And it's wearing me down. So I have to start doing that now. Life is too short to be stressed or depressed, or any of those emotions. I have to learn how to get rid of them and just choose joy.

Realization

So I had a session with a coach last week, and there were some interesting things that I learned about myself. My heart is saying that I need to leave DHG. I just don't agree with how they are doing a lot of things. For instance, they finally told Terry when his last day was via e-mail from the office manager. He didn't even warrant a personal meeting. This is a partner who was with SLA for 38 years. How unhuman is that?? I am holding in a lot of anger and grief from the whole merger, which I knew, but didn't realize how much. And I'm feeling guilty for wanting to leave. Not for DHG, but for my clients. I feel that they need me, and if I leave, I will be leaving them in the lurch. But that's just what'll happen when I move on, which I know I need to do. And Lisa is driving me crazy. It's all about her. She doesn't want to hear anything about me or what I'm doing. Saturday morning she called me. I had posted on FB that I was at a hotel scrapbooking. She was upset that I might be at a scrapbooking retreat and didn't mention it to her or invite her to come. This is why I don't want her going to all of the retreats that I go do - I need some time away from her with retreats. She can be very high maintenance when scrapbooking, and I don't want that. Then this morning, I e-mailed her asking her to call me this afternoon as I needed to pick her brain. She called me this morning, so I said I would call her back, since Shelly was still here. So I called her about 45-60 minutes later and it went to her voice mail. She never called me back. I finally called her back about 8 hours later, and all I wanted was help with wording for one sentence. I didn't want her opinion, I just wanted help, and she just didn't want to give it. So I finally just got off the phone with her so I could finish up the HR review (which is done). I understand what she was questioning, but she always just questions what I'm doing, almost as if I'm lying. And that's not the case. We've worked in different settings, and she doesn't realize that our work functions will differ. So when I say I just want help with one thing, just give me that. I don't ask her for much because I never get it, and this just reinforces it even more. I need to start studying again for the SPHR exam, which I know I'll get nothing from her on. She offered to pay for some of the study material, but I'll never see that. So that's annoying. I won't do that again. 2 more weeks until I'm on vacation. This will be a busy week on a social level - dinner with Debbie on Monday, baseball game on Tuesday, lunch with Tony M on Wednesday, lunch with Paul on Thursday, and the Squeeze concer that night, then lunch with Brenda on Friday. And in there, I still need to get my workouts in!

And it Keeps Getting Worse

Boy, DHG really is sinking, or so it seems. They fired 6 people on Thursday, and I think all of them were in tax. I can't believe it. That's 14 people in the past few months who have been let go. Not a good start to the new year. But then they'll talk about how we're having a great year. How can we be having a great year if we are firing people left and right? But I picked up a new client, at a huge discount, right down the street from me. So I'll be working there 2-3 days/week. Yippee. And I'm hoping to go more hours with Deque. Actually, I'm hoping that Deque does the math and realizes that it's better for them to hire me, and that I could do much more for them as a FTE. That would be so much nicer. I finally heard from Germane Systems - they hired someone with more government experience. And I'm okay with that - I would have had to give up too much for the job, so this way, I'm still doing okay. If I can stay out of the office and be at client sites for most of the time, that's a good thing. Lawrence came over last night for about an hour or so. It was nice, but also hard. I only see him when his wife is out of town, which I can understand. But it's hard being with him and not being with him. He's going through some family stuff, and I can't do anything about it. I can just listen. Nothing happened with us last night, which was good. Still trying to lose this weight, but not doing very well with it. I have to start logging in my food again. It's the only way I can do it. I've been working out about 4 days a week, need to get that to 7, with doing stuff at home (kettle bells and stuff). If I could lose some of this weight, then I could run better, which would be nice.

Second Half of the Year

It's now July, and this year is half over. It's been a bitch of a year, and so far, it's not really getting much better. I'm in such a funk and I have no clue how to pull myself out of this mood. I really don't. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I have no desire to do anything. I spend all of my time sitting on the couch, watching TV and playing games on the computer. Yesterday I had to force myself to do some scrapbooking. I'm not normally like that. I'm not hearing my alarm go off - either my regular alarm or my cell phone - and that bothers me. And I'm having some health problems. My knees are very sore all the time. It's probably because I'm so stinking fat. If I can lose the weight, it'll be easier to run and work out. But I don't do anything about that. My running has gotten worse, I'm so much slower than I want to be. The race today - 42:30. My worst time ever! My mileage pace was 13:43. I want to get to a 10-minute mile - not happening anytime soon. The really sad thing - I read through all of my posts this year. They are all depressing. Nothing good in any of them. I know something has to give, but what? I don't want to go on any more meds - I'm on enough of them. But I can't do this much longer. I can't remember the last time I was happy that didn't involve Disney. How pathetic is that?