Choose Joy

I've gone back and read my posts for this year, and it's very depressing. I was driving back from the gym this morning (yeah me!) and was thinking about my crop tomorrow. I get to see my sister, and some friends who I haven't seen in several months. And that made me happy. So it got me thinking about CM and how it lets me do something I really enjoy with some really good friends. And that got me thinking to Showcase in two weeks! It's the 25th anniversary, which is very cool. But I don't want to get too excited. In my perfect world, they would invite Cheryl Lightle and Susan Ida-Pederson back for it, which I would totally love. So I just checked her facebook page, and Susan is coming! Anyway, several years ago she made a speech on choosing Joy. And I realized that I'm not doing that. I'm choosing everything else but that. And it's wearing me down. So I have to start doing that now. Life is too short to be stressed or depressed, or any of those emotions. I have to learn how to get rid of them and just choose joy.

Realization

So I had a session with a coach last week, and there were some interesting things that I learned about myself. My heart is saying that I need to leave DHG. I just don't agree with how they are doing a lot of things. For instance, they finally told Terry when his last day was via e-mail from the office manager. He didn't even warrant a personal meeting. This is a partner who was with SLA for 38 years. How unhuman is that?? I am holding in a lot of anger and grief from the whole merger, which I knew, but didn't realize how much. And I'm feeling guilty for wanting to leave. Not for DHG, but for my clients. I feel that they need me, and if I leave, I will be leaving them in the lurch. But that's just what'll happen when I move on, which I know I need to do. And Lisa is driving me crazy. It's all about her. She doesn't want to hear anything about me or what I'm doing. Saturday morning she called me. I had posted on FB that I was at a hotel scrapbooking. She was upset that I might be at a scrapbooking retreat and didn't mention it to her or invite her to come. This is why I don't want her going to all of the retreats that I go do - I need some time away from her with retreats. She can be very high maintenance when scrapbooking, and I don't want that. Then this morning, I e-mailed her asking her to call me this afternoon as I needed to pick her brain. She called me this morning, so I said I would call her back, since Shelly was still here. So I called her about 45-60 minutes later and it went to her voice mail. She never called me back. I finally called her back about 8 hours later, and all I wanted was help with wording for one sentence. I didn't want her opinion, I just wanted help, and she just didn't want to give it. So I finally just got off the phone with her so I could finish up the HR review (which is done). I understand what she was questioning, but she always just questions what I'm doing, almost as if I'm lying. And that's not the case. We've worked in different settings, and she doesn't realize that our work functions will differ. So when I say I just want help with one thing, just give me that. I don't ask her for much because I never get it, and this just reinforces it even more. I need to start studying again for the SPHR exam, which I know I'll get nothing from her on. She offered to pay for some of the study material, but I'll never see that. So that's annoying. I won't do that again. 2 more weeks until I'm on vacation. This will be a busy week on a social level - dinner with Debbie on Monday, baseball game on Tuesday, lunch with Tony M on Wednesday, lunch with Paul on Thursday, and the Squeeze concer that night, then lunch with Brenda on Friday. And in there, I still need to get my workouts in!

And it Keeps Getting Worse

Boy, DHG really is sinking, or so it seems. They fired 6 people on Thursday, and I think all of them were in tax. I can't believe it. That's 14 people in the past few months who have been let go. Not a good start to the new year. But then they'll talk about how we're having a great year. How can we be having a great year if we are firing people left and right? But I picked up a new client, at a huge discount, right down the street from me. So I'll be working there 2-3 days/week. Yippee. And I'm hoping to go more hours with Deque. Actually, I'm hoping that Deque does the math and realizes that it's better for them to hire me, and that I could do much more for them as a FTE. That would be so much nicer. I finally heard from Germane Systems - they hired someone with more government experience. And I'm okay with that - I would have had to give up too much for the job, so this way, I'm still doing okay. If I can stay out of the office and be at client sites for most of the time, that's a good thing. Lawrence came over last night for about an hour or so. It was nice, but also hard. I only see him when his wife is out of town, which I can understand. But it's hard being with him and not being with him. He's going through some family stuff, and I can't do anything about it. I can just listen. Nothing happened with us last night, which was good. Still trying to lose this weight, but not doing very well with it. I have to start logging in my food again. It's the only way I can do it. I've been working out about 4 days a week, need to get that to 7, with doing stuff at home (kettle bells and stuff). If I could lose some of this weight, then I could run better, which would be nice.

Second Half of the Year

It's now July, and this year is half over. It's been a bitch of a year, and so far, it's not really getting much better. I'm in such a funk and I have no clue how to pull myself out of this mood. I really don't. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I have no desire to do anything. I spend all of my time sitting on the couch, watching TV and playing games on the computer. Yesterday I had to force myself to do some scrapbooking. I'm not normally like that. I'm not hearing my alarm go off - either my regular alarm or my cell phone - and that bothers me. And I'm having some health problems. My knees are very sore all the time. It's probably because I'm so stinking fat. If I can lose the weight, it'll be easier to run and work out. But I don't do anything about that. My running has gotten worse, I'm so much slower than I want to be. The race today - 42:30. My worst time ever! My mileage pace was 13:43. I want to get to a 10-minute mile - not happening anytime soon. The really sad thing - I read through all of my posts this year. They are all depressing. Nothing good in any of them. I know something has to give, but what? I don't want to go on any more meds - I'm on enough of them. But I can't do this much longer. I can't remember the last time I was happy that didn't involve Disney. How pathetic is that?

Depression X 2

And I keep sinking lower and lower. I don't see myself getting out of this depression. At all. It seems like I take 1/2 step forward and about 20 steps back. I failed my SPHR exam, for the 5th time. Lisa passed her exam for the 2nd time. And this time, she didn't really even study. How unfair is that? I'm at such an impasse right now. I don't feel qualified to do my job, and I'm not good at anything. So what do I do? Apparently SHRM doesn't feel like I can do HR either since I can't pass an exam. I feel like such a stupid idiot. All I want to do is curl up and cry. I have no desire to talk to anyone or see anyone, especially Lisa. And it doesn't help that we're off on vacation on Sunday. I have no desire to go right now. I have no desire, period. I'm a flat, stupid slob. And now my job will be in jeopardy. I won't get a bonus or an increase, and I'll be out of a job probably sooner rather than later. There are no companies that want me. Basically I'm a loser. How great is that?

Depression

I feel like I'm in such a depression cloud and I don't know how to get out of it. It's been such a strange few years for me, and I feel like I'm sinking further and further. I know I need to change jobs, and that will help. That's been such a life sucker for me. What's hard to believe is that the partners don't see it but everyone else from SLA does. Why is that? Why do they refuse to see the writing on the wall? They can't change anything, but at least they could acknowledge that there is something going on. The firing of Christa seems to be the last straw. Why her? Why not the other office manager? What were their reasons? I can't see it. And I've been in such a blah mood for months now. How can I get out of it? I don't even know anymore. I have no desire to do anything but watch TV. And there's nothing on, but still, that's all I want to do. How pathetic is that? I blew off a party today - but I did have to study (which I did) and do some errands (which I also did). But I have no desire to work out, which I need to do. I've got the triathalon coming up, which I'm not prepared for, and the Wine & Dine half, which right now, I wouldn't be able to do at all. I have to get back into shape. I'm so disgustingly fat that it's really sad. And that's part of my mood issues as well. I have to make some changes. I want to make a dream page so that I can keep my life in order and have something to shoot for. 1. Pay off Capital One 2. Pay off Disney Visa 3. Pay off NWFCU Credit Card 4. Pay off Citicard 5. Pay off Vacation Club 6. Get down to 170 7. Get down to 160 8. Get down to 150 9. Get down to 140 10. Get down to 130 11. Get down to 120 12. Finish swim in 13 minutes 13. Finish bike in 45 minutes 14. Finish 5k in 35 minutes 15. Finish 1/2 in 2:50 I need to keep adding to this, and to keep working on it. Today Bonnie told me she's going with Joyce to visit Beth. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know she's going because Joyce asked her, same as her coming here because we asked her. I guess I wish she was coming here first. Sometimes I feel like we take second place. Or I take second place. I understand Beth wanting visitors. She's going through a lot right now. I wish she would reach out - we might be able to help her.

Changes and Other Stuff

So I have an interview with one of SLA's former clients. It sounds like a great possibility, and it's much closer to home. I like the owner of the company, based on our conversations, so that's also a plus. The negative - the salary is lower than I make. But I can take a slight reduction if other things are in place. As long as I don't go down in vacation - that is too important to me. So if there is some flexibility, it could be the next move. Things at work are okay - I'm going to be doing more project management and recruiting and less HR, which I don't like. I'm still working on the Atlanta project from hell. One day it will be over. I hope to have my stuff done on Monday, and hopefully that will be the last of it. I still haven't heard anything from TG about her call, which is just wrong. She is not being forthfull with her information. But I have to give her and GR all of my information. Whatever. I'm so done with this. I'm reallly looking foward to Disney, and just getting away from it all. That's going to be my turning point. I will be starting a new training program for the mini-tri. I might be signing up for another 1/2 (not at Disney, but in Hampton). Potential new job. I'm trying to find new people to work out with. I have to make it more of a priority and do something every day. And my eating. That is stopping - all the junk. It's disguisting. Totally disguisting. I need to be eating more healthy stuff and less fat/bad stuff. I know I can do it. My goal is to be at 170 by the cruise, then down to 155 by the mini-tri. Then 140 by the Wine & Dine. I can do it. I HAVE to map out my plan on how to do this. Then I can wear all of the cute clothes that I have. Why isn't that more of an incentive for me?

Emotions

It's been an emotional month for me, and I'm not totally sure why. I think some of it is the stress - I just feel like I'm a big ball of stress, and have been for almost 1 1/2 years. That's not good. I have to figure out what to do about it. Work is so conflicting. One day things are good, and the next day things are in such turmoil that I don't know if I can last another day. The only thing that seems to make me happy is Disney. And that's unrealistic. But what do I do about that? And lately I just want to cry at times. I don't know why, maybe it's hormones, or maybe it's something else. I just want it to stop. I want some peace in my life, where things are finally going right all the way.

Same Old, Same Old

Another week has gone by, and things really haven't changed too much. I did make it to the gym 3 days, and I've done the kettlebells 4 days. I still need to do them tonight. I'm trying to do better with my eating, but it's hard on the weekends when I'm just bored. Actually bored isn't the right word. I just don't always feel like doing much. I have a possible lead on a new job - one of our former SLA clients is looking for an HR Director. So I have a call into them. I hope she calls me back and will talk to me. I wish I could get my feelings under control about how I feel about DHG, but that's so hard. One day I like it, the next day it's just so frustrating. I need to figure out how to make it all okay to keep going to work until I can find the right position. I am going into debt again - for more Disney points. 100 of them. but it's not that much money, so that won't be too bad. And it makes me happy. And that's what I need. I need to be happy. But I need to lose weight. I've gained 5 pounds this month - all because I'm lazy. I worked hard to get those pounds off, and they came right back on. So I have to work harder to get them off. I want to be at 170 when I go to Florida, and then at 150 when I go to Minnesota. Can I do that??

Happy Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm down in Skyline (Mentone, Alabama) for the weekend scrapbooking. Shelly and I drove down on Thurdsday. We're with the Ohio girls, which has been a lot of fun. Shelly decorated my work area, and got me a Mickey desk calendar, which is gorgeous! Jen Grass was my secret sister - I got the Disney mini picfolio, some stickles, 3 VT shapes that were stickled, some thickers, 5 candy bars, and a gorgeous "T" that she made for me. Just about everyone called or sent a FB message - I had over 100 of them. I heard from all of my siblings, and Laura's kids all called me. The only person who I didn't hear from was Bill, which hurt a bit - he could have texted me. But he's a boy - they don't remember that sort of thing. Even though I wish he would have. So it's the new half of the 40's decade. I have to make it better. I really want to focus on my weight and getting back into shape. And trying to make work a better place. I know I can do it - I just have to quit being so lazy! But I want to start a regular workout routine and make that my top priority. Then I can focus on other things, like paying off my house so I can move in 6-8 years!

2 Months In

It's hard to believe that we are already 2 months into the new year. It's been a year of ups and downs, which I guess is better than all downs, which has been my pattern for the past few years. But it's still now where I want it to be. I complain all the time. That has to stop. It's not a fun thing to be around. I did run today, the first time in almost 2 weeks. And I was doing 12-minute miles. But I petered out after 2 miles, so I have a ways to go again. But it did feel good. Tomorrow my goal is to get up at 5:00 and do a kettlebell workout. Then go to the gym after work and do some weights. Hopefully that will happen.

Something Has to Change

I'm in such a funk. I have no desire to do anything. Nothing at all. I'm so depressed at work, which is falling over into my personal life. I need to break this because it's sucking everything out of me. I have to find a way to make work better. I'm so bored there. I want to do more, but not recruiting. I don't have the appitude for recruiting. I like doing HR. I need more clients, but I don't know how to get them. And I want to do it without the partner's help. I don't mind CTs help so I need to figure out how to get more of her time. I don't have any desire to exercise, but I want to lose 70 pounds. Maybe because when I do exercise, I'm not seeing any results. Of course, I'm not exercising regularly, so I won't see any results. I have to make that a priority. Maybe if I can focus on that, then I'll start to feel better about myself, and maybe that will translate into work. But something has to change before I sink even deeper.

Time for a Change

So the clothing thing was brought up to me several more times - once in our weekly staff meeting, and once by G. The staff meeting message wasn't directed towards me - it was directed towards one of the recruiters who isn't taking as much care of her appearance as she should be. But the conversation with G - well, that was another story. I did tell her that some of the remarks were extremely unprofessional, and could be construed as a violation against ADA. She was not expecting that at all. So I hope this is the end of it. I don't know what to do about work. If I didn't have to deal with the partner, then it wouldn't be too bad. But I do, at least for a year. I can handle that, right?? I'll keep looking, but hopefully I can make this work. I really like working with CT. In other news, I really need to quit being such a slug and a procrastinator. I hate seeing posts on FB about these skinny people doing all of these workouts, or doing all of these things, and I'm sitting here on the couch reading FB or playing games. My house is trashed, I'm fat, and I don't do anything about it. What will it take for me to get moving?

2 Days Later and No Change

I'm still very upset about the phone call on Friday. How dare he say what he say. Not only was it inappropriate, but it was also cruel. You never tell a cancer patient that you don't like their hair. And why did he wait 4 days to tell me? That was wrong. He should have said something right away. And will B or G say anything to me this week? I doubt it - I'm just an after thought. But I think I'll start looking, just to see what's out there. Maybe I can find something in Reston, or even Manassas, which would make it easy to go to the gym. Or maybe I can get enough client work so that I don't have to deal with him. That would be the most ideal thing.

Happy 2012

Happy 2012. I'm hoping to start blogging again - it's a great place to get out my frustrations and it's a safer place to vent. The year hasn't been the greatest - football team lost, having to work while I'm supposed to be on vacation, dealing with payroll stuff, health issues for friends. There have been some good things - got to see some old friends and catch up. And I spent a weekend scrapbooking. But things with work - they're not grat. Yesterday was kind of a crappy day. We had a post-integration meeting, and we were supposed to send our questions in ahead of time to the SLA partner. Fine, I did that. I had several issues with the integration, and what wasn't happening afterwards. Other people had questions about procedures and where to find things. So the managing shareholder (GTM) started going over the questions. The meeting was scheduled for 2 hours - we were in there for almost 3 hours, and I only needed to be there for about 5 minutes. What a waste. I know that I'm not an accountant, and my role in the organization is a very small part function. And it hasn't really bothered me too much before. Even at SLA, because I felt I could add some value. But today I really felt so disconnected from everything. One discussion was about the electronic filing system that is in place. We had a training on it last month, but I was in a department meeting and missed it. So I asked if we would be having another training. The office manager said that they would be doing it at the tax kickoff next Saturday. I said that I wouldn't be there (and got the look of death) because I wasn't involved in tax season. Honestly, there is no reason why I need to be there. I would be sitting there twiddling my thumbs for 8 hours. Then she said that I didn't need the program. Um, yes I do since we have a ton of SLA files to put in there. I've been playing around with it on my own. And really, we should be putting our HR stuff in there as well. Then I asked about clarification on the travel policy. and got no answer because it was specific to me. Yes, I asked the question because I had an issue with it, but it does apply to everyone who has to go to clients. When GTM finally got to my questions, she answered them, but not in the way the question was worded. One thing I asked was that how do we know when things we submit to HR are actually processed. The reason for that - 1) when I enrolled in the 401(k) plan, I allocated my investments into several accounts. I am one who happens to check my account periodically, and I'm glad I did since my investments went into 1 account. So I had to manually go in and fix that. And I had to contact HR to get the website to get into the plan, since the one on our Intranet is wrong. 2) Our payroll issues with the last payroll of the year. 3) I had submitted a change request back on 12/6 to up my contribution in my 401(k) from $16,500 to $17,000 so I could max out the plan. It didn't get processed with the 1/13 payroll. When I asked about it, I was told it got accidently filed in a wrong folder. If I had not checked my paystub, I wouldn't know that. And unfortunately, most of the SLA people don't check their paystubs. 4) My controller was in the SLA 401(k) plan. She didn't sign up for the DHG 401(k) plan because she forgot. However, they were still taking the deductions for it and they opened an account for her. I don't think we're under an opt-out option - I think we have to actually sign up if we want to participate. So they should never have opened an account for her without her paperwork. What if she didn't want to start the plan until this year? So yes, I don't have a lot of confidence in payroll right now. The answer to the question - have patience with them because they had to process a lot of changes with this payroll. Okay - I can understand that, but 3 of my 4 points above have nothing to do with the first payroll of the year. Another issue I had was that the admin group was never really talked about in terms of what our roles would be. We were an after-thought. That wasn't brought up. I even mentioned that I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be reporting to. I think it's the regional managing partner (Brian), but I'm not sure. When I've asked before, no one seemed to know. So I didn't get answers for my concerns. I could try to get them, but it's just not worth it right now. The bonus plan that we have - I won't qualify for it. We need 1,500 billable hours per year. I might get 500 if I'm lucky. Which I would be fine with if I knew that going forward. Those at SLA who aren't in the bonus pool got that amount added to their pay, so they got a nice increase. I didn't get that either. So I got screwed. Then, I had to call the partner down in Newport News. And basically he told me that I don't present myself professionally. My clothing isn't right and my hair isn't right. I need to be wearing suits. And I looked tired when I was at the meeting on Monday. No shit - I was tired. I had just gotten back home on Sunday after being gone for 10 days and had to drive there for this meeting. Of course I'm going to be tired. I was home for 13 hours in a week's time. Now, I didn't wear a suit for the meeting. I had on black pinstripe pants, black boots and a black sweater. I should have worn a blazer or a suit (which I don't own). I told the partner that I haven't owned a suit in probably close to 15 years. He kept talking about skirts. He's the type that thinks women should be wearing nylons, heels, suits, etc. Very old fashioned. I told him I don't wear skirts because of the heels. I can only wear shoes that have a thicker heel because I'm wobbly on my feet, due to chemo. My balance still isn't back to normal. I let him know that I had to undergo 14 months of chemo. And I even said that I had a bi-lateral mastectomy and some clothing didn't fit right on me. But the kicker was the hair. What's wrong with my hair? I wear it long, sometimes it has a curl, sometimes it's more straight. It depends on how it dries. I wash it every day and try to keep it neat. Sometimes it goes flat because there is no body to it. I can't really do much about that. That pissed me off the most. You never tell a cancer survivor that you have an issue with their hair! And he told both G and B about this before talking to me. One of them was supposed to say something, but no one has said anything. He said that I should look at a few of the women and emulate they way they are dressed. Now today, I was dressed better than G was. I had on a red sweater, dark blue jeans (jeans Friday) and black boots. But apparently that's not good enough to wear. I've only been told once that my clothing wasn't professional enough. And that one time was my first job out of college. My boss had an issue with me and complained to the Controller about my clothes. My clothes were perfectly fine, and very stylish. The Controller told my boss that I had the best wardrobe of everyone in our group. I don't think I dress unprofessionally. I always try to make sure that my clothes look well together. I don't wear clothes that are too tight or too revealing. I try to make sure that my jewelry matches my clothes, and that my make up matches and isn't too much. But apparently it's not enough. So that was my fun day. Right now I want to just quit, but I can't afford to do that. I have no desire to do anything extra for the company because there is nothing in it for me. But I don't think I'll be in this position for a long time. I'm hoping to make it a year, but I don't even know if that will be possible. I need to get my resume updated. It's updated through SLA, but now I have to put DHG on there. And then get it back out there. I hate to leave, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.